Unbelievable

So, I found information about annulment as opposed to divorce and it would seem as if his drinking would give me grounds for an annulment. I have an appointment today with a local attorney for a free consultation so we'll see. I did let X know just in case he has already got anything started with his sister (a lawyer) and it obviously didn't sit well. He doesn't seem to 'get it' - he appears to think annulment is more along the lines of lack of sex and says that he told his sister we hadn't been intimate in over a year and she said that wasn't grounds - well, no, but his drinking problem is. Yes, I knew he drank but it wasn't until much later that it became obvious it was an addiction that he just couldn't beat.

In his usual 'nothing is my fault' and shifting blame deflections all the time, he sends me a text......"you misrepresented yourself as sexual and sensual"........so , here we go again.......it'll be my fault he drank because I lost interest in him......I can just hear it now........of course, the fact that I find a drunk alcoholic totally unattractive would have nothing to do with it.......

Choices

I had a stark realisation at some ungodly hour last night (or more accurately, this morning). I am choosing to be stressed and miserable.  Yes, there are reasons to be concerned about the future but compared to many, I have so many things to be grateful for. Roof over my head and a part time job at least that for the most part covers my personal expenses. Yes, some bad choices and economic changes have meant I'm not as well placed as I could have been but it could be a lot worse. I have to stop with the 'what if's' and 'if only' and accentuate the positive. I was able to raise my family without many hurdles or complications and I have to stop taking responsibility for where they each go from here; my work, for the most part, is done.

How?

How is it that just a week after leaving rehab and almost a week since moving, he has a cell phone (I assume pay as you go) and is hustling to find a job, so he says, and yet in months here he did absolutely nothing. Maybe he's right - I did make it possible for him to do nothing except drink. I get a text about nice guys finishing last.....yet more 'poor me' and then a call about getting a divorce and bemoaning how I 'shut down'. Even now he doesn't seem to understand that his drinking did all the damage.He is obviously determined to spin things and rewrite history so that I become the bad guy. Even so, he still seems to expect me to give him more money but even if I wanted to, I just don't have it. He will talk about money he spent on me and my family but when I give it a moment's thought he has been more than paid back. Just having him live here without a penny in contributing to the household budget in any way for the past six months is worth thousands.

fault

A brief phone call so I can be told that I was an enabler and he's better off without my 'help'. I had asked how come he went to rehab this time even though I'd suggested it so many times. Apparently I wasn't hard enough on him according to him and I didn't push enough. OK, fine, then handle this all and live your life alone. I supported him through the past 6 months when he was completely broke  and he now says it's my fault he didn't work. He says he isn't blaming me but it sure sounded like it - more of the 'victim' spin. Well, you can be sure there is not another cent heading his way and absolutely nothing that could be construed as help.

baby steps

In the task at hand of prepping the house for listing I actually made a start........I got the first coat on one wall in the spare bedroom (it was 'his' room and left in a bit of a mess). It's not much progress but it's enough. This past week has been draining in so many ways, most especially since it was a manically busy day at work with more hours scheduled than I've ever done before. No big deal; it's impossible to do the room all in one go anyway....it's small and the furniture has to be shifted around just to get to one wall at a time.

A little less furious at what happened this past week but still takenaback at the attitude. A brief phone call and the comment that he is going to get a 3 month supply of his blood pressure meds at Walmart for $10! OK, great and that might possibly help his general health but.........I told him well over a year ago about the possibility of doing that and yet he did nothing at all then.

I am also informed his brother is going to come and get some of his tools and I suppose take them down to him. The question is, why didn't he take the extra time and take what he needed from the start? I will admit to being angry that he's planning to work for 'P' (ex whose house he's living in) and yet I put up with him not doing much of anything in recent months. The point being, he seems to have every intention of doing exactly what he should have been doing here, for me....sobering up, improving his health and actually getting things done. Did I just enable him to stay drunk and now he has no option but to dry out and get on with life in recovery? Why didn't he put forth this effort before?

Omen

Friday the 13th - superstitious? Not really. Busy day at work so I doubt much will get accomplished at home. I do have to push myself to start on work around here though instead of just focussing on the  amount of things that I had expected'him' to do and feeling ridiculously overwhelmed.

I want to have things in reasonable shape by the end of the month when I want to list the house even if all the 'niceities' haven't been done. There's a room or two to be painted and the kitchen cleaned, as well as both bathrooms and then of course the yard and pool area have to be made presentable. After that, as time permits there'll be paint touchups and general maintenance.

Yesterday I took a day from work and stocked up on the basic supplies so I can get things done when time permits and I don't need to run out for materials. It does help that work takes me to Walmart most days so I can pick up things as needed! So, today's a busy work day but I do plan on finishing prepping the spare bedroom for painting.......holes have been patched and sanded so it just remains to wash the walls and trim to get rid of dirt and dust. I have to admit to cheating and getting white paint for walls and trim so I don't have to be especially careful with taping and staying within the lines!

Besides planning indoor projects there's also the yard to be done and that requires consulting the weather forecast. It seems like the coming weekend might be warm enough to try and clean up what's left of the fall and winter debris.

And then....

A brief phone call and I couldn't help but vent my frustration and bitter anger. He is of the opinion that I am the one in the wrong. I told him to leave and that money he spent or gave me in the past more than made up for what he has sponged off me. I would contend that he has taken more from me than he ever gave. He even mentioned the bills he freely agreed to pay when he first moved in, no mention though of the fact he lived here with no contribution towards rent or utilities. As usual, his version of events puts him in a flattering light. He lived here for the past 8 months or so with absolutely no income whatsoever and that alone leaves him owing me if you ever wanted a complete accounting.

As far as telling him to leave, yes I did , but I didn't expect him to pack up and leave so abruptly when I picked him up from rehab. I stupidly thought that he would stay a day or two and finish the work I had paid him to do. In the bigger picture, yes, I'm glad for the peace and not having to watch his every move but it's frustrating nevertheless.
He is living in a house owned by an ex girlfriend while she spends her summer elsewhere and apparently he will be doing chores etc. It will be interesting to see if he actually follows through with various promises of looking for work. I have to wonder why he couldn't pull himself together here - except that I didn't force the issue as I should have done. He talks of getting a full time day job and another in the evening so that his chances to drink are few so why didn't he do whatever it took to do that while he was here. I will believe it when it happens - I heard those same assurances when he got out of rehab last time but he quickly relapsed. It's hard to believe this time will be any different and I'm not sure I will ever know for sure what happens.

Seriously?

in the morning... Free to follow my destiny and my healing myself


That's 'his' status on Facebook yesterday and I am honestly appalled.

He may be free to follow whatever he wants but at what cost to everyone else? I am speechless but it's hardly surprising. He has shown a particular talent for getting what he wants from people and spinning the truth to make himself out to be the victim.

I am not privy to his private writing online but I am fairly sure he nurtures the attention of women. Hell, when I called him out on something he wrote publically I got blasted by someone who thought I was being horrible and harsh......she questioned how I could possibly know anything about his life and the realities of it, until his ex-wife actually stepped forward and told the woman I was his wife! It would seem he was playing the 'poor me' card without divulging anything near the truth.


That said though, I feel worse for his ex-wife and his three children. He has paid nothing in the way of child support for at least 6 months as far as I know and although I don't know the details of her life, I can't imagine it's very easy with him being the deadbeat he has become.

I wonder if he will do what it takes to get back on track or whether he will find another woman to charm and take advantage of. Only recently I realised that for months he has been doing precious little to find a job. He slipped up one day and admitted that he couldn't access voicemails left on the house phone and that meant he had been unreachable by phone for at least 3 months since he had his cell phone disconnected due to non payment of the bill. He was not picking up the house phone in order to avoid bill collectors but wasn't checking messages so how could he possibly hope to hear from potential employers unless they used email (and I doubt many employers resort to email contact with potential employees). So, in short, he wasn't making any effort and stupid me continued to give him cash and room and board. He had it made until I finally put my foot down about his drinking.

Final, done, over

I am horrified at and more than a little overwhelmed by where I find myself 3 months after last writing. It's a long story that could fill volumes but the short version is I married an alcoholic (functioning and who hid the extent of his drinking with some success for a long time) who has failed to deal with the problem even with at least 3 stints in rehab (if indeed 3 days can even be considered a serious rehab program). Numerous 'interventions', ultimatums and bargains failed even though his future depended on him agreeing to cut back and avoid binges resulting in being completely trashed.

I have young adult sons who deserve better and his behavior became unacceptable. When drunk he couldn't be relied upon to act responsibly or be trusted not to do harm to himself, the house or someone else. Emotionally I had withdrawn and the marriage was over at least a year ago if not longer but I allowed him to stay here (with conditons regarding his drinking) since he has been unemployed for 18 months now, without benefits of any kind for over 6 months and is completely broke. He chose, however, to cross boundaries and he was told he had to leave since he could not respect my rules, let alone me and my family.

Thing is, he has chosen to go 600 miles away to be near his kids (understandable although he is estranged from them) and has left behind so many things he had agreed to do in the way of chores and home improvement projects in exchange for room and board for the past 6 months (and a certain amount of cash for spending money which was blown mostly on beer). Hell, he even had the nerve to ask for cash to help him move (I gave an amount much smaller than he asked for).

This move was something we had talked about since his job prospects might well be better there , at least for something seasonal since he's headed to a large vacation area. That said, the fact that I picked him up from his latest rehab stay and the next morning he left, leaving behind many personal possessions and a whole load of mess I have to clear up, has left me speechless. He just all but got up and walked away from every single responsibility to start a new life on my dime. No hint of an apology for screwing me over or appreciation for all the support I've given him in recent months, just gone, without a word.

The relief of having not to keep an eye on him and support him is great but for now the anger is raging. I'm working as much as I can to make ends meet and he just ups and leaves without a care in the world for a fresh start, leaving behind a pile of debt and having taken advantage of my generosity for so long when I should have cut him off and forced him to face up to his situation and deal with it like a responsbile adult.

Thwarted, kind of

Yesterday went better than expected with both a haircut and

Yes, even though it was bitterly cold and icy I got my toes 'renovated' . Such a nice feeling.

But, things went downhill after that. My son's precious car developed a problem (good thing he's in auto class and can work on it at school) and that meant we're back to juggling errands, travel to and from school etc with just one car. This whole situation is wearing extremely thin and I did finally vent my frustration at Mr, whose own broken car has been sitting in the driveway for 2 or 3 months at least. Another reason why I have tolerated his behavior of late - he has no place to go, and even if he did, no way to get there.

Nothing else of any significance to report, or even anything insignificant really - life is pretty uneventful and today my enthusiasm for anything seems to have disappeared.

Winter

Our first winter weather advisory of the season, if you discount the bizarre weather we had this past Halloween. Back to franticly checking the school website and waiting for an email or text that never came. Despite freezing rain and some kind of crunchy stuff underfoot, it's business as usual, much to everyone's disgust. I had anticipated a delayed opening given the forecast and most likely lending my car to my son whose own car isn't exactly winter weather appropriate. That said, he may change his mind if it isn't as bad as predicted and I will find I'm not housebound after all. That throws me for a loop because I don't 'do' spontaneous very well. A last minute change of plans never sits well with me, even if it's to my benefit, adapting is not one of skills!

Now, what to do with the time I wasn't expecting? I should , or rather, would like, to get my hair cut and my toes painted and I'm trying hard to jusify the spending, even if, in the scheme of things, it's not that much.  It would certainly help my mind set and attitude.........

New Tricks

What is it they say about teaching old dogs? Well, this old dog is trying at least. Here it is, 7.15am and I am still in bed and not frantically launching myself into the day. Truth be told, I'd like nothing better than to stay in bed all day but I won't. Baby steps maybe, but I am trying to make significant changes.

10.30am, errands done and revelling in the warmth after braving temperatures well below freezing. It's going to take a lot of will power to head out again later to the gym, especially with a winter weather advisory for later warning of freezing rain overnight - oh joyous!!, not!

I'm thinking perhaps early afternoon would be a good time to go - the place was reasonably empty last week at that time.  I have wondered about making poolside my 'office' and do some reading and writing there but we'll see. One thing I do have to do is buy a bathing suit :) How bizarre that even with a swimming pool at home, I have not worn a suit in many years (since I can't swim) but the gym offers a jacuzzi (if they get it fixed that is, right now it is empty and supposedly will be bubbling again in a couple of days). Good thing that retail tends to work a season or two ahead - we haven't seen a serious snowfall yet this winter but the bathing suits are in the stores already.

Scratch the gym for today! Right now, my car is the only one on the road that can remotely handle bad weather so, being the good little team player that I am, I will be foregoing the gym so that others can use my car.

Best foot forward

There was really only one other significant resolution this year besides the weight loss / fitness thing - making the effort to 'dress up' before leaving the house every day. I've always been reasonably presentable , I mean I didn't quite wear pjs to the grocery store but it was usually old comfortable stuff and sneakers.  Tattered sneakers usually that meant that I could navigate the aisles in half the time without really caring what I looked like. Practical?, certainly but a sinful waste of all the beautiful shoes and boots in my closet with barely a scuff mark between them. What was I saving them for? I have no life, I don't go anywhere so why not dust them off and make good use of them, even if it is just to run errands?

Two weeks in and so far I have faithfully worn heels every single day. The burgundy ankle boots are one of my favorites to date but my pointy witchy boots are still by far my 'go to' pair.

By the numbers

I have been blessed most of my adult life with the same weight and clothes size, even through having 4 children; no secret or selling my soul to the diet devil, just dumb luck....until now. In the past year or so, probably less, I have put on a lot of weight, enough that none of my clothes fit. Having been a 'Small' or size 6, for maybe 35 years, I find 'medium', size 8 or 10 fit now. I know, a lot of people would love to have that problem but gaining 25-30 lbs makes me uncomfortable in my skin and 5'3" frame.

Disclaimer:not my toes, but it reminds me I desperately need a pedicure!

I hadn't weighted myself in maybe seven years,  but you would have to be blind not to notice the extra curves and squishy bits. So, with the New Year and a discount offer to a local gym, came the resolution to at the very least start exercising regularly. I have no explanation for my weight gain; I haven't changed my eating habits drastically although my lifestyle had become more sedentary and throwing in possible menopause, stress and anxiety may well account for it.

I have to admit it's not exactly a hard core workout so far.....30 minutes on a treadmill every day, but it's a start and an achievement that I get out of the house and go at all. I have to work up the nerve to try the stairsteppers and eliptycal (sp?) but I already know that's going to kill my legs for a while.  The gym itself is pretty awesome; set in the basement of a local ritzy hotel, complete with indoor pool, jacuzzi and a gorgeous outdoor pool and patio when the season allows (apparently I could even get a drink bought to me from the bar!!). Shame I'm moving within the next year.......although this place is so nice it may be worth a return visit a couple of times a week!

Winter mantle

This is the winter display I finally came up with for my mantle, put together with remnants from Christmas and other things I had lying around. Aside from the silver mercury jar the only new purchase was the blue hydrangea which was 70% off on clearance.

The mantle sits atop the fireplace in my bedroom and is part of the tableau that greets me every morning when I awake......usually around 3.30am. Have I mentioned the utterly ridiculous sleeping schedule I seem to have adopted? Without a reason to stay awake I tend towards laying down by 7pm,only to wake up 2 or 3 hours later, stay awake for a while and then sleep until sometime closer to 4am.

I will admit to finding that first blush of my day the best of all, still snuggled under my cuddly blanket and very often finding the cat curled up at my feet.

I wish, at times, that I could just stay here all day. The feeling of peace and comfort before the stresses and anxiety of the day sets in is close to perfect. During the winter months especially it is becoming increasingly difficult to throw back the bedclothes and greet the day.

tick tock

Time passes and another year is history. Where are the days going? The year just ended was remarkable for the buying of what I hope will be the family home for many years to come and the roller coaster of a relationship of mine that has seen claims of sobriety refuted and several seperations as a result. For now, I provide shelter and sustenance to a man who has been unemployed for the entire past year and who sees fit to spend whatever money I give him on a daily case of 12 beers, even if it was meant to be spent on different things.

So, as a New Year starts, decisions are to be made. I am enabling a man who is weakened by an addiction and helpless apparently to stop from drowning. Regardless, I have a busy year ahead, staging and selling a 3 bedroomed house and repackaging my life into a one bedroomed apartment.