Unbelievable

So, I found information about annulment as opposed to divorce and it would seem as if his drinking would give me grounds for an annulment. I have an appointment today with a local attorney for a free consultation so we'll see. I did let X know just in case he has already got anything started with his sister (a lawyer) and it obviously didn't sit well. He doesn't seem to 'get it' - he appears to think annulment is more along the lines of lack of sex and says that he told his sister we hadn't been intimate in over a year and she said that wasn't grounds - well, no, but his drinking problem is. Yes, I knew he drank but it wasn't until much later that it became obvious it was an addiction that he just couldn't beat.

In his usual 'nothing is my fault' and shifting blame deflections all the time, he sends me a text......"you misrepresented yourself as sexual and sensual"........so , here we go again.......it'll be my fault he drank because I lost interest in him......I can just hear it now........of course, the fact that I find a drunk alcoholic totally unattractive would have nothing to do with it.......

Choices

I had a stark realisation at some ungodly hour last night (or more accurately, this morning). I am choosing to be stressed and miserable.  Yes, there are reasons to be concerned about the future but compared to many, I have so many things to be grateful for. Roof over my head and a part time job at least that for the most part covers my personal expenses. Yes, some bad choices and economic changes have meant I'm not as well placed as I could have been but it could be a lot worse. I have to stop with the 'what if's' and 'if only' and accentuate the positive. I was able to raise my family without many hurdles or complications and I have to stop taking responsibility for where they each go from here; my work, for the most part, is done.

How?

How is it that just a week after leaving rehab and almost a week since moving, he has a cell phone (I assume pay as you go) and is hustling to find a job, so he says, and yet in months here he did absolutely nothing. Maybe he's right - I did make it possible for him to do nothing except drink. I get a text about nice guys finishing last.....yet more 'poor me' and then a call about getting a divorce and bemoaning how I 'shut down'. Even now he doesn't seem to understand that his drinking did all the damage.He is obviously determined to spin things and rewrite history so that I become the bad guy. Even so, he still seems to expect me to give him more money but even if I wanted to, I just don't have it. He will talk about money he spent on me and my family but when I give it a moment's thought he has been more than paid back. Just having him live here without a penny in contributing to the household budget in any way for the past six months is worth thousands.

fault

A brief phone call so I can be told that I was an enabler and he's better off without my 'help'. I had asked how come he went to rehab this time even though I'd suggested it so many times. Apparently I wasn't hard enough on him according to him and I didn't push enough. OK, fine, then handle this all and live your life alone. I supported him through the past 6 months when he was completely broke  and he now says it's my fault he didn't work. He says he isn't blaming me but it sure sounded like it - more of the 'victim' spin. Well, you can be sure there is not another cent heading his way and absolutely nothing that could be construed as help.

baby steps

In the task at hand of prepping the house for listing I actually made a start........I got the first coat on one wall in the spare bedroom (it was 'his' room and left in a bit of a mess). It's not much progress but it's enough. This past week has been draining in so many ways, most especially since it was a manically busy day at work with more hours scheduled than I've ever done before. No big deal; it's impossible to do the room all in one go anyway....it's small and the furniture has to be shifted around just to get to one wall at a time.

A little less furious at what happened this past week but still takenaback at the attitude. A brief phone call and the comment that he is going to get a 3 month supply of his blood pressure meds at Walmart for $10! OK, great and that might possibly help his general health but.........I told him well over a year ago about the possibility of doing that and yet he did nothing at all then.

I am also informed his brother is going to come and get some of his tools and I suppose take them down to him. The question is, why didn't he take the extra time and take what he needed from the start? I will admit to being angry that he's planning to work for 'P' (ex whose house he's living in) and yet I put up with him not doing much of anything in recent months. The point being, he seems to have every intention of doing exactly what he should have been doing here, for me....sobering up, improving his health and actually getting things done. Did I just enable him to stay drunk and now he has no option but to dry out and get on with life in recovery? Why didn't he put forth this effort before?

Omen

Friday the 13th - superstitious? Not really. Busy day at work so I doubt much will get accomplished at home. I do have to push myself to start on work around here though instead of just focussing on the  amount of things that I had expected'him' to do and feeling ridiculously overwhelmed.

I want to have things in reasonable shape by the end of the month when I want to list the house even if all the 'niceities' haven't been done. There's a room or two to be painted and the kitchen cleaned, as well as both bathrooms and then of course the yard and pool area have to be made presentable. After that, as time permits there'll be paint touchups and general maintenance.

Yesterday I took a day from work and stocked up on the basic supplies so I can get things done when time permits and I don't need to run out for materials. It does help that work takes me to Walmart most days so I can pick up things as needed! So, today's a busy work day but I do plan on finishing prepping the spare bedroom for painting.......holes have been patched and sanded so it just remains to wash the walls and trim to get rid of dirt and dust. I have to admit to cheating and getting white paint for walls and trim so I don't have to be especially careful with taping and staying within the lines!

Besides planning indoor projects there's also the yard to be done and that requires consulting the weather forecast. It seems like the coming weekend might be warm enough to try and clean up what's left of the fall and winter debris.

And then....

A brief phone call and I couldn't help but vent my frustration and bitter anger. He is of the opinion that I am the one in the wrong. I told him to leave and that money he spent or gave me in the past more than made up for what he has sponged off me. I would contend that he has taken more from me than he ever gave. He even mentioned the bills he freely agreed to pay when he first moved in, no mention though of the fact he lived here with no contribution towards rent or utilities. As usual, his version of events puts him in a flattering light. He lived here for the past 8 months or so with absolutely no income whatsoever and that alone leaves him owing me if you ever wanted a complete accounting.

As far as telling him to leave, yes I did , but I didn't expect him to pack up and leave so abruptly when I picked him up from rehab. I stupidly thought that he would stay a day or two and finish the work I had paid him to do. In the bigger picture, yes, I'm glad for the peace and not having to watch his every move but it's frustrating nevertheless.
He is living in a house owned by an ex girlfriend while she spends her summer elsewhere and apparently he will be doing chores etc. It will be interesting to see if he actually follows through with various promises of looking for work. I have to wonder why he couldn't pull himself together here - except that I didn't force the issue as I should have done. He talks of getting a full time day job and another in the evening so that his chances to drink are few so why didn't he do whatever it took to do that while he was here. I will believe it when it happens - I heard those same assurances when he got out of rehab last time but he quickly relapsed. It's hard to believe this time will be any different and I'm not sure I will ever know for sure what happens.